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Let me tell ya why I’m singin’ ..Let me tell ya why I’m proud. ..I just freed a part a me ..And I had to buck the crowd.
I had to walk out on a love ..That used to rule my head ..I had to turn my back on action ..I could never get in bed.
Yes ..I kicked FOOTBALL ..I even kicked T.V. ..I’m takin’ back my primetime ..And spending it on ME.
I kicked FOOTBALL ..Took back possession of my life. ..I intercepted my existence ..Now I scrimmage ..with my WIFE.
‘Cause let me tell ya ’bout my woman ..Let me tell ya why she’s proud.
Since we kicked the FOOTBALL habit ..We don’t have to talk SO LOUD.
Now we’re talkin’ to each other ..Sometimes even face to face.
Now I watch her shift her backfield ..And I try to guess her plays.
I’m catchin’ all her passes ..And we’re goin’ down ..and out.
I’m scorin’ more’n whole DREAM TEAMS ..In motion ..more ‘n DONALD’S MOUTH.
I kicked FOOTBALL ..I even kicked T.V. ..When YOU kick FOOTBALL ..your entire LIFE is FREE !!
I kicked FOOTBALL ..and I’m on my feet again ..It was a close game all the way ..But I was HOME ..and HAD to WIN !!
For the first few days ..I got the shakes ..And was gonna turn back on
I was hallucinatin’ draw plays ..Half-back options ..and long bombs.
My dreams were green with hashmarks ..And they replayed in my brain.
Once I even tried to screw ..The t.v. cable in my vein !
But I’m o.k. now. ..I’m proud to be ..a FOOTBALL-AHOLIC cured. ..Except when I see a t.v. set ..And then I ain’t so sure
That ..I kicked FOOTBALL ? ..That I even kicked T.V. ..I’m takin’ back my primetime ? ..And spendin’ it on me ?
I kicked FOOTBALL ? ..What the Hell ..will I tell ..the guys? ..It somehow seems unpatriotic ..Like I should apologize.
But here’s your sports report sound bite ..from behind the scenes ..and on the insides.

“The two sticks ..in the endzone ..Are the only things ..about PRO FOOTBALL
That COULD be described ..as ..the least bit ..Solidly grounded ..and UPRIGHT.
And ..as soon as the cheerleader chicks ..Who also pole dance ..get hip ..
And Put 2 & 2 together ..Goal Pole Strippers ..will be the standard halftime show.
And the NFL will cancel boring snorers ..like Madonna ..and Stevie Nix.”

And it’s not just the point after. ..It’s the whole game ..that needs to be FIXED.
But I think that it is ..and here’s the gist of this.
PRO BALL is a soap opera ..on steroids ..with thousands of groupies ..a host of gropers..and dozens of dirty tricks.
It’s Date-line and CSI ..with Cheaters thrown in the mix.
It’s a casino where you can’t get even ..Becuz everything is odd ..Like that coin ..that refused to FLIP.
It’s the only show in town ..that draws celebrities ..AND hicks.
It’s like a red carpet ..for Duck Dynasty ..It’s pageantry ..followed by schtick.
It’s painted faces like it’s Halloween ..Then our country’s colors ..presented ..By straight-faced Marines.
It’s the National Anthem …by some fancy singer ..Traditionally followed ..by air horns ..and the finger.
The T.V. analysts are in coats and ties ..But the fans behind ..are all HALF-NAKED.
It’s always HALF-TIME in AMERICA
If you’re not somebody kids ..just wear the jersey of someone who is ..It’s our favorite play ..the FAKE IT.
So it’s also ..ALL about the locker room ..Making adjustments ..by what the spies have heard ..or seen.
Identifying where there’s an unplugged HOLE in the RULES ..they can drive a truck right thru ..for THE TEAM !!
If the world won’t hand you the ball ..the NFL teaches ..you just have to TAKE IT !!

Now as far as the fishy O-FISH-IATING goes ..No one ..fur sure knows ..What the friggin’ rules ARE ..these days.
We’ve stopped countin’ the times GOODELL ..has “fumbled the ball” ..And he still has “possession” ..and is “calling the plays”.
When is HE ..gonna be ..taught his lesson ..ya’ll ? ..What IS the official Football Rule Book ?…Shades of Grey ?
And the league just gets more pumped ..and publicly more praised ..Is everybody Crazed ?
Now about this FANTASY football. If I’m havin’ a fantasy ..it’s gonna be with cheerleaders ..in tights ..that’s getting pursued.
There’s gonna be more fronts ..and way less backs. ..in them cut-up tops ..and ..stretchy-pants.

Continued on Gallagher.com & joycomedytour on fb

Football isn’t mathematical ..And it darn sure ain’t magical ..It’s just eleven dudes.
They’ll stomp on your heart ..with cleated feet ..’Till you feel like me ..so used.
As I’ve stated ..I’m DEFLATED ..First ..my cable man is gonna get sued.
Them ..and their trade school henchmen ..For making this fatal connection.
For bringing NFL FOOTBALL ..into .. my home ..dimension ..For me ..to be ..then ..domestically ..abused.
Ulrasounds of my bare fan needs ..Show I have major hyperextension.
NFL FOOTBALL..don’t say you were blindsided ..I’ve told you clearly ..of my intentions.
I have a major gaseous spasm ..In my team ..enthusiasm ..and my hometown spirit ..is deeply bruised.
And NOW ..by decree..of ME ..and after all team videos ..have been thoroughly ..reviewed ..and reviewed.
NFL ..Go to Hell ..Your option will not be picked up ..Your contract will not be renewed.
In other words ..In my personal life ..You’re excluded ..from bein’ a thing included ..What was welcome before ..will now ..privately intrude.

I AM ..lord of my own home .. and castle. ..And I don’t cow tow.. to division crowns.
And I sure don’t need your hassles ..The NFL has had more downs
Than all the player’s girlfriend’s ..have popped.
From my seat in the end zone ..I’d say ..Your final drive ..has just been stopped.
But from my men’s den ..deep in MANLAND ..As I’ve watched
Men destroy their physique ..and youth ..I shouldn’t have been sittin’ …with my feet propped
‘Cuz ..now ..the doctors say ..MY vertebrae .. are fused.
When they said they wanna operate .. I told ‘um ..I had the NFL package ..I’ve already been Major Leaguely screwed.

Further the more ..I have no interest ..in Pinterest ..Posting pictures of me ..enjoyin’ my ringside seating
Or me bein’ ..at the octagon ..with my sweetie ..tweeting.
‘Cuz I’m totally sports ..TAPPED OUT ..It’s not like me to prattle ..
But Football ..if you’d-ah ..Just loved me back ..We would’t even ..Be having.. this fan battle.
But I just KNOW ..if teams could make deals for fans ..They’d a traded us all away ..yesterday ..For Oakland’s ..or Seattle’s.

So go on NFL ..and hug your lover ..ESPN. ..What’s a viewer to conclude?
Who ..besides yourselves ..did you delude ? ..You two connive ..contrive ..collude.
You’re as bad as ..The Republicans ..And their ..partisan paramour ..FOX’s Nightly ..nearly slightly ..nude ..news.

It’s not even worth going into ..I’m just plain ..out OF ..the FOOTBALL ..mood.
It’s like the sport was a munchy crunchy snack food.
And I’ve finally had my fill of THAT box ..Of Super Duper Physically-Assaulted Jocks.
I need to get my head out of your Astroturf ..And get my feet ..back on the ground
Before you want me to do ALL that bend-overing ..That goes with ..my annual ..Superbowl ..jerk around.
Football or strip ..it’s still a men’s club ..KA-CHING.
For DA BUCKS is what and why they’re all there ..To see ..in the marketplace ..what a FAN can bare.
If it ain’t extortion ..It’s “some kinda criminal thing”
A FAN can either have ..A whole year’s house leasing ..Or a season ticket freezing
Your butt ..sittin’ in a tortuous ..with one bad arm like most late season quarterbacks ..molded brittle little plastic chair.

Instead of throwin’ my life savings away ..I’ll Tailgate ..in my own ..dang driveway.
Where I’ll spend only half ..a season ticket older money ..On good beer ..fine wine.
And ..instead of hamburger ..filet ..mignon ..steaks.
I’m tired a-lookin’ at 300 pound linemen ..all that premium priced beef ..And I only have money left
For these CHEAP SEAT CHIPS ..That even ..not THAT ..thick a dip ..breaks.
For what I’ve spent on FOOTBALL ..I added it up ..what I coulda had
A full-time chauffeured golf cart ..For when I wanna get taken back
And wanna quit ..playin’ any kind of ball games ..”Just ..me fast ..to my pippin’ ..hot ..Swedish ..whirlpool bath.
Becuz ..unlike your star players ..I …never ..go lame ..I go first class.
A la your Blue Chip ..Sky-high priced ..Sky Box ..luxury suite lackeys
Who spend the company’s non-deductible ..ill-gotten gains …and corporate graft
For pocket-like protection …from “their own” stockholders.
Even Big Business ..it seems ..follows NFL’s idea of natural selection
They think ..”With what our corporation spends ..of THEIR stockholder money
We shouldn’t have to stand in line ..with “the likes of THEM ..for what? ..Nachos..a dog ..and a draft ?
When we can afford Hooter-girl-served ..hot hors d’ouervres ? ..And ..if that’s ..not enuf ..tacky.
It’s all COMPLIMENTS ..of former Presidential hopeful ..and New York Governor ..PATAKI !!
Today he’s out of his coat and tie. ..Just a regular guy ..In HIS team jersey ..hat ..and khaki’s.
Ain’t this wacky ? ..Is everybody ..who can AFFORD it ..happy?

GO TEAM ..GIMME
The center ..the guard ..the tackle ..and ..THE END xxxxxxxxxxxx
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